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Thursday, April 18, 2013

Why does God think I'm so strong?

I've always told people, and truly believed, that God would never give me more than I could handle in times of trial.  And that He always knows how long we can bear the trials for.  And so today, I wish He didn't believe that my family and me are so strong.  We've been through some pretty difficult financial times in the last couple years.  Along the way we've had blessings at just the right time.  I felt like we were really making progress by getting to our "forever home".  But as I start to look around, I feel as though we may have made a huge mistake.  There's much work to be done on this house, and not much money to do it.  I slacked off a bit last month, believing Jon would be paid for track and that check didn't come in.  We'll get that money, just not until next month.  We had to pull from saving a little to pay the credit card in full.  It will be close this month after needing a new tire for me and a new headlight assembly for Jon.  Things we literally could not avoid paying for.  And of course the usual payments for car registration don't help things this month.  We thought the washer was done over the weekend, but thank God it started back up again and seems fine.  With the terrible storms last night, though, we have leaks inside the house.  We're pretty sure it's related to water entering a vent in one spot.  But then I looked up and noticed a water mark on the ceiling.  Now, I could be imagining this, but I don't think it was there before.  I also think it grew throughout the afternoon, when it wasn't even raining.  I've drawn on the ends and will take another look in the morning.  But it seems we will need to replace the roof, and we don't have $10k to do that.  We will get one more estimate.  I really would like to have it done properly, which would also mean new gutters and soffits at the same time.  But with no major change in income, I'm not really comfortable committing to lay that much out when we know there are also other repairs (plumbing) on the near horizon.

A decision regarding my full time position has been delayed.  Due to the tragedy in Boston, flights were messed up for the VP, and final interviews were then delayed.  It looks like I won't hear until some time next week.  Jon had an interview today as well.  It would be a good raise ($12k), but not as big as other places he's interviewed.

I continue to be torn about whether I want this full time position at this time in life.  The money would be great and the mental stimulation was be awesome.  I've been feeling somewhat stuck lately and am certainly ready for a new challenge.  I think I could perform the job very well, possibly better than they would anticipate since I am very efficient with my time and great with technology.  They know me well and should have a solid idea of my abilities since I've been with the company for 5.5 years, and 4.5 years in some type of management role.  But, then there's James.  He deserves to have me full time until he reaches kindergarten.  I love the type of kid Carolyn is turning out to be.  Yes, I'd like it if she would stop getting up at night.  But she won't be 10 and getting out of bed just to be tucked in again.  She's a terrific little girl that excels in everything she tries, and I like to think I had something to do with that.  I know James isn't the same kid.  But if I'm honest with myself, I think he'd miss something by being put in preschool during the week.  I know he won't have Carolyn home to play with in the mornings.  But she'll be home before noon.  By the time she's picked up the bus, we'll have time to get him to an activity and home, he'll barely miss her.  He likes having time to just play around the house too.  If I send him to preschool, he'll miss that time.  I was just thinking that a great schedule for him next year would be 2 activities, library, a day with me at home, and then a day with Jon's dad or out at some fun activity or another day at home depending on how he's feeling.  I was just telling his swim teacher today how I don't think kids this age really learn anything but bad habits from each other.  And I do believe that.  Am I just convincing myself of this so I'll be less disappointed if I don't get the job?  Or do I really feel this way?  I'm not sure I'll ever really know.  Tough spot to be in right now.

Dear God, you know what we can handle.  I feel like I'm at my breaking point.  I'm waiting for your blessings to come pouring in our family right now, but I feel like I'm barely above the water.

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