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Saturday, September 13, 2014

My Biggest Fear

Today we meet with the insurance adjuster.  About 5 hours from now we should have a slightly better idea of what happens from here.  If he shows up without any contractor or structural engineer, we may only know that the insurance is ready to roll up their sleeves with us and get us to where we need to be.  Yesterday when I visited the house I noticed a bunch of divots in the grass from when the tree fell.  When it fell it hadn't rained much, so the grass was not very soft.  Yet there are several places in the yard where one can tell the impact was great enough to compact the ground further.  They're not huge, but enough to give me pause.  I wonder just how great of force was applied to the front wall of our house as the trunk landed from its pivoted fall.  That's what the structural engineer will need to help us determine.

In all of this, I know that the house will get fixed and we will eventually get home.  I know that the kids will be okay once we get home and the stress leaves.  What I've started to be concerned about is my body.  It hasn't held up the best in the lat few years and I am concerned as to how long I can handle the exhaustion and wacky schedule before I hit burn out.  Yes, it's only been a week.  But before I didn't daily feel this exhausted and it took me an entire month of going to bed around 8, sleeping until 7, and often taking a nap before I felt human.  The food we're eating isn't what we're used to, James and I both woke with stomach aches this morning.  I woke up before 6 and tried to go back to sleep while feeling quite sick.  This past week I have woken up early and stayed up late being sure to keep on track with work.  Not only because I feel responsible for my team but because, right now, we truly do need the money.  We don't know what expenses are coming, and we do know we still have the loan for the roof to pay off.  This also happens to be the busiest month of the year as we get things started up again.  I can feel my body losing the great place it was in.  I'm now exhausted from when I wake up until I collapse into bed.  I struggle to keep my eyes open after lunch, staring at the computer to complete my work.  I have trouble thinking and often lost track of my thoughts mid-sentence.  The dizziness has returned a bit, although not quite to previous levels.  I know I'll make it through this, really I don't have much choice.  But I'm scared of how far off my body is going to fall and how long it will take to recover.  Adrenal fatigue is real and scary, and I don't want to face it again.  I was just getting to a great place with everything too.

Dear God, I need you to keep my body strong right now.  I need help to show my children patience as the days grow long.  I need help to continue to show my kids compassion for how this is effecting them.  I need help to keep going, because this becoming very hard.  I thank you for the blessing of no one being hurt in the accident.  And I thank you for this wonderful hotel to stay in as we sort things out.  I thank you for great neighbors and family and the support they are lending.  Help my spirit to be calm and remind my mind that all is well.

Here we go, on to find out what's going to be involved in this road to the recovery of our house.

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