Why does God think I'm so strong?

I've always told people, and truly believed, that God would never give me more than I could handle in times of trial.  And that He always knows how long we can bear the trials for.  And so today, I wish He didn't believe that my family and me are so strong.  We've been through some pretty difficult financial times in the last couple years.  Along the way we've had blessings at just the right time.  I felt like we were really making progress by getting to our "forever home".  But as I start to look around, I feel as though we may have made a huge mistake.  There's much work to be done on this house, and not much money to do it.  I slacked off a bit last month, believing Jon would be paid for track and that check didn't come in.  We'll get that money, just not until next month.  We had to pull from saving a little to pay the credit card in full.  It will be close this month after needing a new tire for me and a new headlight assembly for Jon.  Things we literally could not avoid paying for.  And of course the usual payments for car registration don't help things this month.  We thought the washer was done over the weekend, but thank God it started back up again and seems fine.  With the terrible storms last night, though, we have leaks inside the house.  We're pretty sure it's related to water entering a vent in one spot.  But then I looked up and noticed a water mark on the ceiling.  Now, I could be imagining this, but I don't think it was there before.  I also think it grew throughout the afternoon, when it wasn't even raining.  I've drawn on the ends and will take another look in the morning.  But it seems we will need to replace the roof, and we don't have $10k to do that.  We will get one more estimate.  I really would like to have it done properly, which would also mean new gutters and soffits at the same time.  But with no major change in income, I'm not really comfortable committing to lay that much out when we know there are also other repairs (plumbing) on the near horizon.

A decision regarding my full time position has been delayed.  Due to the tragedy in Boston, flights were messed up for the VP, and final interviews were then delayed.  It looks like I won't hear until some time next week.  Jon had an interview today as well.  It would be a good raise ($12k), but not as big as other places he's interviewed.

I continue to be torn about whether I want this full time position at this time in life.  The money would be great and the mental stimulation was be awesome.  I've been feeling somewhat stuck lately and am certainly ready for a new challenge.  I think I could perform the job very well, possibly better than they would anticipate since I am very efficient with my time and great with technology.  They know me well and should have a solid idea of my abilities since I've been with the company for 5.5 years, and 4.5 years in some type of management role.  But, then there's James.  He deserves to have me full time until he reaches kindergarten.  I love the type of kid Carolyn is turning out to be.  Yes, I'd like it if she would stop getting up at night.  But she won't be 10 and getting out of bed just to be tucked in again.  She's a terrific little girl that excels in everything she tries, and I like to think I had something to do with that.  I know James isn't the same kid.  But if I'm honest with myself, I think he'd miss something by being put in preschool during the week.  I know he won't have Carolyn home to play with in the mornings.  But she'll be home before noon.  By the time she's picked up the bus, we'll have time to get him to an activity and home, he'll barely miss her.  He likes having time to just play around the house too.  If I send him to preschool, he'll miss that time.  I was just thinking that a great schedule for him next year would be 2 activities, library, a day with me at home, and then a day with Jon's dad or out at some fun activity or another day at home depending on how he's feeling.  I was just telling his swim teacher today how I don't think kids this age really learn anything but bad habits from each other.  And I do believe that.  Am I just convincing myself of this so I'll be less disappointed if I don't get the job?  Or do I really feel this way?  I'm not sure I'll ever really know.  Tough spot to be in right now.

Dear God, you know what we can handle.  I feel like I'm at my breaking point.  I'm waiting for your blessings to come pouring in our family right now, but I feel like I'm barely above the water.

Turning 5 today!

Dear Carolyn,
Today you turned 5 years old.  It's hard for me to imagine that it's really been 5 years.  But then it's also hard to remember life before you arrived.  It's amazing to watch you grow and learn new things every day.  You are developing into a wonderful little girl, and I love that you are quickly picking up on the important things in life.

It's been awesome to watch you learn to read in the last couple months.  You already have well over 400 sight words and can spell at least 100 of them.  You can do many math problems and love to do science experiments.  It's fun to read with/to you about the presidents and different science topics.  Your love for learning is contagious and breeds an attitude of love for books within our home.  Your energy when you run around the house, splash in the pool, climb at the park, or swing at gymnastics knows no bounds.  It has been amazing to see you learn so many athletic skills in such a short amount of time.

You have quickly learned what's most important in life - spending time with those you love.  It's a joy to watch you play with your brother and see how close the two of you are.  I hope you maintain that relationship as you grow older and have different interests.  I appreciate that you tolerate his desire to do everything you do.  It's a sign of how much he loves having you as a big sister.  You're doing a great job showing him excellent manners.  Seeing how excited you were about every present yesterday and your eagerness to give each person a giant hug and say thank you immediately was fantastic.  I could tell you really appreciated the time each person put into choosing your gifts.  Seeing you spend time with each person who came yesterday was fun too.  It's fun to have a lot of people share your life and enjoy playing with you.

You bring a lot of joy and energy into our house, and I thank God every day he brought you to me and Dad.  I hope as you go off to school in a couple months that the foundation we've provided you will serve you well.  I will continue to enjoy watching you grow and learn new things.  And I will continue to be here for you, forever.  You'll likely hear many new things once you start school, and I hope you know you can always come home and ask me or Dad questions about what you heard.  Keep doing what you're doing, sweetie, because it's really working.  When you meet some harder obstacles, know we'll always be here to help you out. 

Love always,
Mom

So many possibilities

I haven't written in a while, and things have been crazy.  Easter was last weekend and we had a nice family celebration with both sides of the family.  Jon was back to work last week and had 2 meets.  I was surprised with a full time job posting and interview.  I locked us out of the house and so we replaced the locks as we had been intending.  But today was a calmer day and we had a great afternoon at the park.

In an attempt to calm my mind, and thinking it was a warm day (it was chilly), we headed to the park this afternoon.  Both kids enjoyed the swinging, climbing, and sliding.  A group of kids were there and they played follow the leader with them for a while.  Once those kids left, we played with our kids as the leaders.  I followed James and Jon followed Carolyn.  They both seemed to really like being in charge, and everyone got some great exercise out of it.  I'll definitely be pulling this idea out when there aren't other kids to play with at the park.  It's always awesome and amazing to me how well James and Carolyn play together and with other kids.  I also commented to Jon today that I love that our kids do not need electronics to keep them occupied.  When we got home, the kids and Jon read about James Madison and Monroe while I started dinner.  After dinner, the kids went into their playroom and played nicely together.  I suspect we'll get some good sleep from them tonight as well.

Jon is of course anxiously awaiting a call from HS where he interviewed over spring break.  Other openings have popped up, or are anticipated soon, which gives him hope to escape his current school.  He just feels very beaten down and that he's not able to service kids appropriately.

Unexpectedly, about 10 days ago I received an email regarding a full time science manager position with my current company.  I submitted my cover letter and resume, hoping to get an interview.  I interviewed this last Thursday and now I sit and wait about another 10 days to see if I'm chosen.  Of course, I have mixed feelings about the position.  It's perfect, everything I would hope for, but not perfect timing.  I never envisioned going full time again until James started first grade - so 3 more years.  But this is too good of a position to pass up, especially after I found out it pays ~$60k - to work at home!  It could even give us the option of Jon taking a year of parental leave while still coaching.  We would end up having a higher total income if he even just kept his track position.  Plus our expenses would shrink without his commute.  In the meantime, we'd hope for another opening.  But that all depends on whether he finds another position this year.

There are just many possibilities of where our lives could lead right now.  And the good news is that we should have a pretty firm grasp on where we're headed by the end of the month.  We have been blessed with some amazing things over the years and pray that God continues to pour out his blessings in the coming weeks.  I'm not sure what the plan is for our family, but I anxiously await the results.

Ready for another crazy week with Carolyn turning 5 next Sunday.  It's hard to believe so much has happened since she was born.  But when I sit with her, it's hard to believe she's truly only 5.  I look forward to continuing watching her develop as well.

Life's been busy...

It's been a few weeks since I've written.  But I've really been trying to focus on the kids and truly enjoying my time with them.  Often we all get caught up in what's coming next or telling others about what we're doing.  I've been trying to watch my children, play with them, and snuggle with them.  We found out this week that Carolyn will be in morning kindergarten.  She was disappointed to find out that the other gymnastics days are full, so she will continue with one day a week.  But then we started talking and decided it will be just fine.  I've spent some time gathering ideas for places to go and science projects to do.  We'll keep working on her reading, writing, and math, as well as reading science books as well as about all of the presidents.  This is likely her last chance for a while to do what she wants without school getting in the way.  So I'm looking forward to enjoying this Spring with her.

Thursday would have been my mom's 65th birthday, so it was a tough day.  But I made my first cheesecake with the kids and they made me smile all day.  James sang happy birthday to "grandma angel" and we offered her a bite when we enjoyed some together.  I miss my mom every day, but I know she's watching us closely and keeping us safe.

James has been struggling with sleep lately and I'm not sure why.  Twice this last week he's climbed in bed with us at night and today I had to take him into our bed to get him to nap.  When I ask him why he says "because I miss you", so what do you say in response to that?  I tried to talk with him a little at nap time, wondering if the kindergarten talk has him worried.  I jokingly said something about daycare this week, so maybe that has him worried.  Just not sure, so I'll keep snuggling him and after an hour of him in our bed at night we'll shuffle him back to bed.  He won't be this little forever, but I also do horribly on interrupted sleep.

Carolyn has been doing great lately.  We're almost completely through the Dolch sight words, with I think 3 left on the final list.  She has around 100 spelling words mastered, and we keep working on addition/subtraction as well as telling time.  She'll likely be at a 2nd-3rd grade level in everything by the time she starts kindergarten.  But it's simply because she loves to learn.  She's playing very nicely with James and is becoming a much more polite little girl.  It's really cool to watch her choose her words very carefully and say things like "Excuse me Mom, but when you have a minute could you..."  I look at her when that happens and marvel that she's only 4!

I've been trying to pay more attention to not yelling lately, and I'm going to commit to this a little more going forward.  I recently read a blog post about someone commiting to not yelling for a year.  I'm not ready to do that.  But, I think I can commit to a week, and from there I can extend it further.  I know the kids are better when I'm calmer, so I need to keep focusing on this so they can the best possible.  Anyone else want to join me in this?

Amazing Sibling Interaction

Among other reasons, we chose not to send Carolyn to preschool this year so that she and James would continue to have a large amount of time together.  Once they start school they won't have unending hours together very often.  We wanted to try and create the best sibling bond possible, without forcing it.  What I have witnessed over the last few weeks shows that this was definitely a good decision.  We can only hope that this bond persists over time.  But at least for now, I can declare that they are just perfect for each other.  I won't deny that they fight and I have to remind one to say "I'm sorry" and give a hug to the other.  When getting along, though, they shine.

Last week I spent the first few days reminding James that by Friday he would be wearing underwear (at least for that day).  Carolyn must have heard me reminding him.  On Thursday afternoon she asked him he wanted to use the potty.  He said no, but she pushed further.  She told him she was create an X chart (I had already hung a sticker chart to no avail).  She then proceeded to write x's on the white board easel in the living room and let him know she would circle one each time he went on the potty.  To my amazement, he went in his room and took his diaper off.  Over the next couple days she helped him pick stickers for his chart and reminded us to dispense the m&m's and chocolate balls when James was successful.  He's had 2 accidents since, directly related to being sick on Tuesday night.  Amazing sibling bond at work as she stood by and encouraged him.

I haven't worked on much development with Carolyn until this school year.  Sure, we've done A LOT of reading to our children.  But I never did any work sheets and really not many art projects.  Since we moved I've really stepped it up, mostly because she loves it.  Most of the time when I print things for Carolyn to work on, I print a copy for James so he can feel included.  Well, his writing and cutting skills have developed simply by watching.  James can already trace some letters and he's pretty close to cutting in a straight line.  So much for boys and slow fine motor skills!  He'll definitely always be a king of gross motor, but it's great to see these skills along with color identification and singing the alphabet coming right along.  I'm considering the same, very laid back approach as I had with Carolyn for James next year and then working when he's 4 and preparing for K.

The icing on the cake for sibling interactions was at swimming today.  Carolyn has been working hard the last couple weeks and overcoming some of her fears.  She can now put her face in the water and this is allowing her to work on actually swimming.  They spent the play portion of the lesson "diving" for rings on the bottom of the pool.  James was apparently watching.  During his class, he took the rings off the toy cart, drop them into the pool and then reached down to get them, putting his full face in the water.  It was really cool to watch this and even his teacher commented on it.  I'm sure she says similar things to the other parents, but each week she comments on how smart James is to make connections.  Other weeks he's recreated a game at home with the toys in the pool.  It really is awesome to see the rapid fire connections that he makes.  With him absorbing so much from Carolyn it makes me wonder if he'll learn to read and write on a more accelerated schedule or not.

Many of the benefits here are for James, but I think Carolyn is benefiting from this relationship as well.  She has a built in buddy and someone who generally is willing to listen to her read at any time.  She enjoys playing teacher and he usually will go along with whatever he's suggesting.  I also think that his development is causing Carolyn to pick up the pace a little to ensure he doesn't catch her.  The next few years are going to be a lot of fun to watch these two continue to develop at lightning speed.  I wonder what this next week has in store!

Where I Struggle

Ah, a quiet house on a Thursday night with my work email inbox empty.  Who would have thought I could accomplish on a day when Jen isn't home and I took a 30 minute nap this afternoon?  But the peace is really nice.  I even had a pretty great day with the kids, aside from almost burning down the house.  Oven mitts should not be left in the oven while baking cookies.  Note to self: don't work on a math lesson while baking.  In any case, crisis averted and the smoke has now dissipated - cookies even turned out fine!

But I learned something about myself today.  I struggle with unstructured time with the kids.  I sit and plan what they should work on learning each day, generally to not end up doing it and wondering if they're then falling behind.  Then I remind myself that my nearly 5yo can read, write, and walks around saying things like "2+2=4, 1+1=3, 5+5=10" along with "Mom, I can't read that sign, it says Do not block" and that my 2.5yo can trace letters, has memorized nursery rhymes, has great gross motor control, and amazing compassion.  So what could they possibly be falling behind on?  Yeah, that's my mind in its usual overdrive, planning what will happen next.  I'm trying to focus on the here and now, since Carolyn goes to kindergarten in <6 months and I only have 2 more years with James.  But I think that's what gets me thinking about homeschooling as well.  Then I would get to keep enjoying time with them, but that sounds awfully selfish!

I struggle though to think that school will give Carolyn (I'm not sure about James' learning style yet) what she needs to grow and thrive.  Some of what I'm noticing may simply be differences in age and ability, but I see patterns repeating.  When Carolyn was at Cary gymnastics, she was okay but not great.  Her class size was big and she didn't seem to make much progress.  We switched to Lake Zurich and she took off, quickly amassing many new skills.  Her progress seems to have slowed at Buffalo Grove with a bigger class.  Yes, I have considered switching her back to Lake Zurich, but I do think that Buffalo Grove will be better for her in the long term.  Swimming has proven to me that Carolyn makes amazing strides when she has individual attention.  There is only 1 other girl in her class, but she wasn't there today.  With the inidividual attention, Carolyn put her whole face in the water and was "swimming" (noodle under her) putting her face in the water.  This may have been a natural progression, but I think that this close attention helps her focus and work harder.  She even skipped the play portion of the class to keep working!

So I wonder how she's going to do in a school classrom with 20+ other kids her age.  I chuckle a little inside when people tell me they send their kid to preschool for the socialization.  Yes, kids need friends there age or at least similar in age.  But what is my 4 year old likely to learn from other 4 year olds, other than bad manners?  Maybe I'm missing something here, but I honestly think a room full of same-aged children for 6-7 hours a day is a bad idea for all involved. 

As I cooked dinner tonight and after we ate, I read 3 books to the kids about the nervous system.  These weren't super technical, but they also weren't simple versions.  They use the proper terminology - cerebrum, cerebellum, hypothalamus, brain stem, axons, dendrites - and be using various inflections Carolyn thought the books were exciting.  I know she's storing all the information away as well, that's just how she works.  I do think I might change up how we're working through school topics though.  I'm going to keep picking a topic each week, but I'm going to be sure and check out 7 books.  Then each morning before breakfast we'll read one.  This will spread the information (that is somewhat repetitive with slight variations between books) out over the week.  Both kids are loving reading about the human body since they can relate to it so well.  I'll likely be checking out plant books as we get later in March as well and start to think about planting our garden.  I know that's a kindergarten topic, but I love to have the kids learn real things about what we're doing.  It'll be interesting to see what they remember from last year too.

I'm enjoying working with both kids on learning related activities.  I'm not sure what will happen once they start school, although I'm sure I won't stop helping them investigate whatever they're interested in.  In my secret dreams Jon will get a job that allows me to stop working and we'll discover that the kids really do need the individual attention only an education at home can give them.  Then we'll proceed to provide them with the K-8 education only 2 highly educated parents could provide, to send them off to a high school that can provide the finishing touches before college.  But I don't know what the future will hold, so we wait and see.  For the next 6 months we'll continue the exploring through books and activities.

Kindergarten Registration!

We've completed another crazy week in our house.  The days at times are quite long, by the weeks seem to pile up rather quickly.  We had a lot of fun this week, while Carolyn tested boundaries and James battled a cold.  It was nice to have Jon home on Monday and he enjoyed attending gymnastics with us.  James is just about ready to start class on his own, but has to wait until he is 3 to do so.  That limit is a little frustrating, but it is what it is.  James got to attend his own story hour on Tuesday (with me and Carolyn) and did fantastic.  I am sure he will do awesome once he turns 3 and is able to attend that on his own as well.  They do a very good job of incorporating movement and listening into a 30-45 minute time slot.  Wednesday we went to the museum and both kids had a lot of fun as usual.  They played in the vet area, which they hadn't ventured into before.  James is working on improving his attention span and staying in one area for longer.  It's fun to see him growing in this regard.  Thursday we had swim lessons and both kids continue to improve.  Carolyn is becoming less afraid of the water and getting closer to really putting her face in.  James is getting braver as well and enjoys jumping off the side and doesn't put up a huge fuss going under.  He even asked me to dunk both of us.  I hate getting the chlorine in my hair, but want to encourage his feeling safe under the water so we went under together.  Friday we had a day of rest with James developing stuffy nose.  Only a couple days though and today he's feeling much better!

Thursday night was kindergarten registration.  It was weird to be in Westbrook to sign my own child up, after having been there as a sub so many times.  I had all the paperwork done and signed Carolyn up for a screening at the end of May.  I hope that helps put her in a classroom where the teacher will push her.  The most difficult part was meeting someone who knew my mom.  The secretary there was helping put everything together and we chatted a little, during which she said she knew my mom and loved her and missed her.  I think our file may be flagged now, but it is always great to hear stories of how my mom impacted those around her.  I do still miss her everyday and these interactions help to bring her a little closer.  I found out that we might be able to get Carolyn into a spanish class before school.  Once I know for sure whether she is morning/afternoon we'l make that decision.  I think it would help her to definitely be learning something new a couple mornings a week.  They also have an awesome program to deliver school supplies on the first day.  Great to see them offering this, and I hope they do it also to help provide for lower income families and help those kids feel not so singled out.  About 6 months before Carolyn is scheduled to start!

Carolyn has really been testing limits lately.  She is trying to give up her nap, but ends up making poor decisions in the afternoon because she's so tired.  We'll be talking about the need to sleep later in the morning if she's not going to nap.  She's also testing on responses when people are talking to her.  So we'll be working on maintaining eye contact and being sure the person knows you are listening.  This is an important skill for her before she heads off to school anyway.  But I do worry about her a bit in regards to learning new and difficult skills in a higher pressue environment.  I'm hoping this is just part of development and in a few weeks we'll be over the hump.  She's also been growing a lot taller lately, so she may just be in the middle of some huge development and having trouble managing herself.

And so we're ready for another exciting week.  It's nice to have a long stretch here where life isn't too stressful.  Hopefully we'll see some job openings pop up for Jon in the next few weeks and have an exciting Spring including job interviews for him.