Letting Go

I've had a realization over the weekend that my kids don't need me as much anymore.  Yes, they're only 2 and 4 and they still need me quite a bit.  James often won't let Jon get him out of his crib in the morning.  And when he gets hurt generally only a hug from Mom will do.  When Carolyn fell yesterday she turned to me for comfort instead of the others around.  But they're getting older and I don't need to be around all the time.  I've been taking on more tutoring clients lately, which takes me away from the house.  At $50/hr, it's kind of hard to say no.  Plus I love helping high school students understand their work better and know they appreciate the help.  And so I've realized I'm not as needed.

I've also realized that everyone benefits from me being gone at times.  Jon needs alone time with the kids.  They are just very different people when only one of us is home.  And he needs time with them that isn't at church or the store.  He's enjoying that time as he gets it as well.  Plus I seem to get extra hugs and snuggles when I get home.  Time away from me at this age seems to allow the kids time to miss me.  That sounds weird, but it is true.  Of course, knowing that I'm providing for our family's financial security and not out spending money makes it much easier to go.  Yet I still struggle with some sort of mommy guilt.

As the kids have grown up I've been worried I would miss some major milestone by being gone a short time.  Of course, as they get older the major milestones are fewer and farther between.  I was home for Carolyn learning to ride a bike.  I get to work with her on writing her letters and numbers, memorizing our phone number and address (that will change in 6 weeks).  I will get to work with James on potty training.  Right now I really, truly get the best of both worlds.  So in the last few days I've begun to make a peace of being gone a little more often.  I am very blessed to have a wonderful husband that is a terrific daddy to my children.  And it's time to let them have more time without mom nearby, so that we can grow as a family. 

I'm looking forward to what the next couple years bring us in our new home before anyone is in school full time.  And who knows, there always is a chance that we'll still be homeschooling because that's what the kids need.  For now, I'm going to look forward to tomorrow and a chance to just enjoy my kids with nowhere to go.  That's going to be nice.