"Me Time" made me stressed out

We hear constant feedback as mothers about we should be sure to schedule "me time."  We're bombarded with how important it is to take time to do what we enjoy.  I feel for this idea, hook, line and sinker.  Settled into a new home and new community, with both kids in school full time, I thought I should have plenty of time each day to get my work done, keep the house running, do some small projects, exercise, and have time to read or just zone out each day.

Each day I would wake up, make the kids breakfast, put together their lunches, and get them out to the bus.  Then I sat down to my quiet time with God.  I have a few different journals to pray for my immediate family, a book I'm reading about praying more effectively, and I read a chapter from the Bible each day.  After about 45 minutes I'm ready to tackle the rest of the day.  I would check in on work email, delete personal emails (you know, the 9000 advertisements we get every day lest we actually need the discount once or twice a year), check our bank statement, then choose a job to work on.  This is where I started to fall into the mental block.  I only "need" to work about 3 hours each day to meet my self-imposed earnings for the month.  But with 2 jobs, I have been working closer to 5-6 hours each day.  I was losing all the time I thought I was entitled to.

And that's just the thing, what time am I entitled to?  Where did this notion come from?  We have amazing technology to help make so much of what we do more efficient.  But what are we doing with that extra time?  I have an addictive personality and I know it.  I have often tried to disguise this as putting my everything into anything I try.  And that is quite often the case.  But if I happen to open a computer game, this can be the end of the day for me.  Yet I can't quite bring myself to delete the games.

So this week I am trying a new mindset.  I am limiting my time on facebook, keeping the games closed, and making productive choices with my time.  Monday I went grocery shopping and didn't get all of my work done before the kids came home.  I was able to finish up before 8pm though so had an hour in the evening for myself.  I chose to talk some with Jon and read a book.  Much better than zoning out to a computer game.  Tuesday I switched the order of my jobs, completing the tasks that require the most focus first.  This proved to work well and although I didn't finish working until 30 minutes after the kids came home, they didn't even seem to notice.  They have become pretty self-sufficient with getting themselves a snack and unpacking their backpacks.  I chose to go for a 2 mile walk in between jobs since I can really only do this while the kids are at school.  I still had some work to do last night, but was done before the USWNT game was over.  This included a 45 minute conversation with my sister in the afternoon.

Speaking of that conversation, she convinced me to start writing again.  I have an alternate blog I am starting to put together where I'm going to write about all the tough moments I have been through since graduating from high school.  My hope is that some of the writing will help others facing seemingly insurmountable situations see how things will be okay in the end.  While the kids were at floor hockey I did some writing on my laptop.  I did some more writing before bed last night.

Today I did some writing while waiting for pages to load.  This probably made my work take longer, but I was having trouble making my brain stop.  I still managed to finish all my required work by noon and started in on the application process for my Utah and Alabama teaching certificates.  How is it that after over an hour I feel like I accomplished next to nothing?  Hopefully I will have more time in the next week to get everything sorted out before the fingerprint cards arrive.  I am hoping to have this all in the mail by spring break so I don't have to worry about it anymore.  The kids had an early release today, so I didn't end up with any extra time.  After they arrived home I spent some time cleaning in their toy room.  I put enough things away that they were able to finish before dinner.  I plan to really finish on Friday if I have some extra time.  But really, I only spent 15-20 minutes in there.  I sometimes need to just get over the mental block of tasks that seem so daunting.  If I just take the 15 minutes I have and use them productively, I can complete the seemingly endless list.  And reality is, you probably can to.  So what if the toy room didn't get finished today?  It is better than it was and I can continue in the right direction the next time I have a chance.

So for me, I am skipping the idea of "me time" because it just wrecks my day.  Instead, I'm focusing on productive time.  I will get my work done, enjoying the extra money to pay off our car super fast to open up our budget for fun vacations, upgrades to our home, and donations.  I'm going to enjoy my time I am so lucky to have with my family instead of stressing about how I don't have as much time as I would like.  We've set things up so our kids can have a relaxed childhood.  They get to come home every day and just play (after their 5-10 minute chores), and that's why I work from home.  We have been so amazingly blessed by God.  It's time to focus on the positive and how much we do have instead of how I wish things were.  I'm ready for the next adventure that God has for our family, as I'm sure it's a great one.

Whole 30 Day 4

I made it through another day.  I felt like I had lot of free time today.  Things didn't start out so great as I discovered at breakfast that the special tea I bought was the wrong stuff and it smells and tastes like coffee.  If you know me, you know I strongly dislike both.  So I guess this will become Jon's tea from now.  He's been stealing my plain green tea at night for a while anyway.  I'll have to look for something different when I head to the store next week.  With the weather warming up I don't really need it at the moment anyway.  I fit in all of my work before heading to the school.

At the school I was caught off guard by 2 things.  First, I usually help with math but today was handed a reading packet.  Um, okay, but that's definitely not my specialty.  We made it through.  While I was working with the kids the principal came in and acknowledged he had forgot to update me on the math things for Carolyn.  He assured me they were working on it and asked if I could stop by on my way out.  Last week was a 4 day week ending with an institute day and this week is a 4 day week.  I totally get how things get lost.  He was genuinely apologetic.  So when I was done tutoring, I stopped by.  Turns out, testing for Carolyn and another child in her class started just after we discussed doing so.  So as not to overwhelm, it has been broken into chunks and she wasn't even aware that she was being tested.  This is good and bad.  Carolyn tends to not even try when presented with a challenge.  She was told to leave things blank if she couldn't figure it out.  To my child that means "if you aren't sure of your answer, don't give one."  We'll see how the results turn out once they're done and determine what to do in the next couple months and then next year.  I love how wonderfully flexible the school is being.  And I think it's awesome that another child is benefiting from my relentless question asking.  We also talked about James a bit.  I relayed the experience of our conference last week, that did not go as well as I had hoped.  He agreed to speak with the teacher to see what we can do.  It will be interesting to see what happens here.  I mentioned that was a little surprised that James scored so well on his NU CTD tests, as he is just harder to get a good grasp on than Carolyn was at this age.  There's a little more immaturity from him and there's also a whole lot of boy that she's obviously missing.  I was surprised with the praise for James that the principal offered, saying that he wasn't surprised that he scored well.  This principal is very involved in the school and supervises recess multiple times a week.  If you know my kids, you know they are often drawn to adults and like to share a lot (earlier this week Carolyn shared about me being sick and the teacher signed her out for me - a little crazy.)  He commented that James is able to carry a conversation and discuss things much more in-depth than a kid his age.  I'm interested to see what the scores come back as.  And now I wonder what it would be like to be around a typically developing child on a regular basis.  Although, is any child really considered typical?  I think the water is really muddied here.  I am just so glad we found a place where the school wants to work with us to ensure that each child is challenged.  That's all I've really ever wanted - stretch their brains.

This afternoon I had a chance to go for a walk twice around our neighborhood and finished up James' scarf.  The kids each had their activities and then James and I came home.  After reading for a bit, he got ready for bed and we read another story.  He's really into this old Sesame Street Bedtime Stories book that is from my childhood.  All my favorite characters and wonderfully silly stores.  Big bird is not an ugly mud monster!  We finished before Jon and Carolyn arrived home so he asked to snuggle.  Snuggling turned into him clapping my hands and them a silly game.  I love listening to him laugh and I think I could do it all day.  I know moments like these will get fewer over the years and I really took a minute to cherish the time with him.  I'm looking forward to Carolyn being done with gymnastics so we can have more relaxed nights with her as well.

Breakfast - Egg "muffins" (bacon, green pepper, mushroom, egg), blueberries, banana, tea
Lunch - leftover mahi, carrots with guacamole
Dinner - Pulled pork, cauliflower

The cupcakes are almost gone and tomorrow I'll give the kids some more of my Valentines candy in their lunches.  I am looking forward to the warm weather we're supposed to have tomorrow and Saturday!

Intellectual and Emotional Mismatch

This is something that most parents don't often talk about, although there are many books written about it.  Watching Carolyn this weekend has reminded me of just how young she is.  She has the "brains" easily of and 8 or 9 year old.  But she has the emotions and ability to control those emotions, of a 5 year old.  She is struggling to assert her independence.  I believe we give her quite a bit of freedom at home.  The kids are allowed to play inside or outside, and we generally don't feel the need to supervise them.  Of course, scissors and glue are kept up high and there really are no dangerous objects around.  We provide plenty of engaging things for the kids and they have a plethora of vehicles to rid on outside.  But then Carolyn feels the need to assert what she perceives her right, to show us she can get what she wants.  Tonight was another reminder that she really is only 5.

James and Carolyn have decided recently that doing flips on the couch is fun.  We tell them not, they do it anyway.  I tell them that if they get hurt I'm not going to kiss and make it better as I usually do.  I spent part of the afternoon helping Carolyn after she was stung by a bee.  I held ice on her foot, put baking soda and vinegar on the sting and within 20-30 minutes she was feeling fine again.  If you ask her, it probably felt like hours.  But we sat on the couch and had some nice time together.  Later, after ignoring my directions to stop the flips, she bumped her cheek on the side of the couch.  I refused to give her kisses and a total meltdown ensued.  Lately these meltdowns show clear signs of feeling out of control and wanting to assert control.  She pushes furniture around, kicks the couch, and will refuse to do anything we ask.  We use the language we've read about using... "I understand you are angry because" and all that.  But really she needs a good 30-40 minutes to yell and scream.  As she gets stronger, we get concerned about her safety.  We emphasize to her that trying to hurt things/people isn't going to help.  If she didn't have these meltdowns when James was trying to get sleep, we could easily just wait her out by sitting patiently.  Tonight Jon felt the need to restrain her, sitting on the couch and holding her in his lap. 

It is clear from the episodes that she feels out of control and that her brain is working so fast that she can't control it.  She gets fixated on the one she wants and seeks to manipulate us to get it.  But her manipulations fail and she feels powerless.  This happens the most when she's tired, so has been happening more lately with a busier schedule.  But I hope and pray that as she gets older, we'll see less of this.  Otherwise, despite having a social worker as a father, she's going to end up in the social worker's office at school.  I'm going to discuss these issues with her teacher this week as well to insure there are no issues in the classroom already.  Time to try and help her feel even more independent in daily life to release some of the frustrations!

Fixed vs Growth Mindset: Teaching Children to Succeed

After curriculum night at Carolyn's school, I emailed the teacher.  She had mentioned the element of fear, and how that can really hold child back from learning.  Since Carolyn first started talking, we have been trying to figure why she won't try new things.  Somehow, she learned a fear of making mistakes.  When her teacher spoke about this, I felt she was talking about Carolyn.  So I emailed, asking for any advice on how we can help Carolyn overcome this at home.  He response was to suggest a couple books to read - 1 for me, 1 for Carolyn. 

The book for Carolyn is "The girl who never made a mistake."  We picked up both books from the library yesterday and Carolyn read it in the car as we went to the grocery store and then her soccer game.  I'm not quite sure she got the right message though.  She said, but the girl did make a mistake.  We asked what happened after that, did anyone get mad?  She admitted the girl ended up being fine.  She really likes the book though and we're thinking about purchasing it for her for Christmas.  We'll keep it for a couple more weeks and see how she feels about it.

I spent the last 24 hours reading "Mindset: The new psychology of Success" by Carol Dweck.  Her main focus is that we can choose which mindset we approach life with - fixed or growth.  In other words, with each thing in life we decide whether we have to rely on our talents or whether we can learn something new.  I think this is a book that every parent, teacher, and business executive need to read.  It speaks right to the latest culture of telling everyone that they are the best, and handing out trophies to every kid.  The biggest take home for parenting for me is in the type of praise to provide.  And it's very similar to what I've been reading in the books on parenting a gifted child, but applies to every single child.  Do not praise a child for being smart, for doing things quickly, or for expending little effort.  Praise the process and the effort.  If the child completes an assignment very quickly, one could even apologize for wasting the kids' time because it wasn't challenging enough.  This helps children to value the effort expended and thereby be more accepting of a challenge.  They won't feel the need to constantly show how smart they are, and will realize that it's good to work hard and it's okay to struggle. 

So from here we'll avoid saying things like "You're so smart", "That came so easy for you," or anything that compares children.  Instead we'll say "I'm so glad you kept trying", "What did you learn today?", or "That was tough, what could we do differently next time?"  I hope it will encourage Carolyn to take on more challenges.  I had begun to consciously make this change after reading the other books, and I think I've started to see small changes already.  She figured out how to spell "girl" yesterday, trying out a bunch of different letters before getting it right, and we celebrated the effort she made to figured it out.  And tonight she tried a hula hoop and kept trying more, even though she wasn't a super star right away.  She also walked on a "high wire" (2ft off the ground). 

I suggest you check this book out, it might just change how you view what you say to your child and how you view the challenges and set back you encounter in your own life.

Overcoming Perfectionism

We noticed when Carolyn was very young that she had a tendency towards perfectionism.  She doesn't want to try new things and is constantly nervous that she's going to get something wrong.  We often think that the reason she didn't speak until 18 months was she was afraid to say something improperly.  Where did this come from?  We really don't know, and I don't think it could be learned at such a young age. 

I read a book this past week with ideas for how to help your child overcome these tendencies and a big part of it is to identify an perfectionist tendencies in yourself.  I've never considered myself a perfectionist.  Yes, if I'm going to do something I think it should (needs to) be done well.  But since reading this book I've been keeping an eye on my own actions to see if I am forcing any perfectionist ways onto the children.

Lo and behold, we set out to make cheese crackers this last Friday and I found myself needing to hold back.  I let the kids help with grating the cheese, although they struggled to do it very well.  I used the mixer to put everything together.  And then we started to form the crackers.  To avoid the mess of last time, we decided to just make balls.  They should all be similar in size and smooth balls, in my mind.  But allow a 3 and 5yo to participate and they will not come out that way.  I had to resist picking them up and rolling the balls just a touch more to be smooth.  After all, lumpiness wasn't going to affect the final taste.  I let the kids just put their work down on the pan, moving them only to assure they didn't bake together.  When Carolyn decided to move on to cheese sticks, we had some issues with the appropriate thickness and I did step in to assure they were thin enough to cook properly.  But in the end, the kids got in some great fine motor work and we have a wonderful finished product that is very yummy and healthy.

I will keep watching for my own innate perfectionist ways.  It can be hard with kids this age to not correct mistakes, since I like to use them as learning opportunities.  But I did learn from the book how to word my responses to their accomplishments to diminish the drive toward perfectionism.  I think this was a useful book to read just before Carolyn starts kindergarten.  I hope that by carefully crafting my responses I can diminish Carolyn's drive towards perfection and foster a new desire to try new things.  I encourage anyone reading this with small children to take a look at themselves and see if you are conveying hidden perfectionist messages toward your child.  There's enough competition in this world, let's make sure we are showing our children that as long as they try their best, it's good enough for us.